I must be losing my mind...

...Or something must be wrong with me.

Ok, I've been stressed. I've been stressed since July. Essentially when I moved in with my boyfriend. It's not him that is making me stressed. Not at all. What made me stressed were his female acquantinces/friends/exes whatever. I've always tried to not be a jealous person.

I know I've always been on the heavy side so that has always affected my self-esteem and self-image. I thought that no one would ever like me and that I would be doomed to spinsterhood. I was teased by family about my weight and others. It's not fun. Not at all. I'm sorry I don't like lettuce. And no, I'm not going to eat it, it makes me want to puke.

I did ok for awhile on WW. But felt like I was starving myself...Not kosher. Lost 10 lbs, but as soon as I started to actually eat, it all came back and then some.

I don't think I'll ever be skinny at this rate. I have no motivation to get off my ass and start working out. It's like what's the point? I'm never going to keep it off. Even though I don't eat that much, and I've scaled back on junk food. Hell, I'm lucky if I eat three times a day. I try not to eat a lot of candy. I don't drink loads of milk. I cut out eating Reeses Puffs for breakfast. I eat a small portion of Honey Bunches of Oats, if I even get around to breakfast.

Lunch, yes, I love potatoes. I wish I could live off potatoes and garlic and cheese. I'd be in heaven. I love applesauce. I love the crunchiness of potatoe chips. Is this where I'm failing? Because I like to eat this....

I don't know why I can't lose it....I feel so ugly. And it bothers me that Chris has all these "cute" friends. I don't like wearing make-up. 3/4s of the time it makes my eyes water and itch. Even the hypoallergenic stuff. I don't think my round face is very pretty. I do like my eyes. My lips are huge, my teeth are splotchy from an OD of flouride when I was younger. My boobs are ok. One is slightly different than the other. But I have a huge tummy, huge ass, and huge thighs.....
Even when I lost that bit of weight everything felt huge still.

But the stress might have something to do with the weight staying on...I'm stressed about money. Very stressed. We're so very broke. And I have ALOT of debt from before. I'm only 21, but Chapter 7 sounds very tasty.

I just don't know what to do.........I feel so lost. Lately, he's been wondering where my mind has been. I thought I had a day off when I didn't. I always feel so distracted. I just don't feel like even existing........